top of page

5 secrets to finding happiness

Updated: Mar 9, 2018

The Dalai Lama has said, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.”

Determining what these actions should be is each individual’s personal adventure, but research can provide some guidance. Studies show that the happiest people are those who seek meaning as opposed to immediate gratification or pleasure. To find fulfillment, each of us must uncover our true hopes, ambitions, dreams and ideas, and then make our actions match these ideals. As Albert Camus wrote, “But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?”

Of course, no matter how perfectly we conduct our lives, they won’t always be joyful. Even the happiest and fullest of life stories are sure to be colored with waves of pain and sadness. So perhaps, a richer, more attainable goal than "happiness" is well-being.

A 2011 study from the British Psychological Society concluded that “well-being amounts to more than mere happiness, and involves a wide range of personal and social domains, including positive relationships and a sense of meaning and purpose in life.” Research reported in the 2015 World Happiness Report found four new constituents of well-being and their underlying neural bases. According to that report, “well-being has been found to be elevated when individuals are better able to sustain positive emotion; recover more quickly from negative experiences; engage in empathic and altruistic acts; and express high levels of mindfulness.”

These findings mirror the work of psychologist Richard Davidson, the author of The Emotional Life of Your Brain. At this year’s Wisdom 2.0 conference, I had the privilege of hearing him speak on what he has discovered through his research to be the four key elements of well-being. These traits include:

1. Generosity.

Being generous means taking an action toward another person that is attuned and sensitive to that person’s needs and wants. It involves being giving of ourselves in ways that extend beyond ourselves. As the World Happiness Report concluded, “well-being depends heavily on pro-social behavior,” which involves “individuals making decisions for the common good that may conflict with short-run egoistic incentives.” The report lists pro-social behaviors as including honesty, benevolence, cooperation and trustworthiness.

Yet generosity doesn’t just benefit the recipient of our offerings. It’s incredibly valuable to our own mental and physical health. It naturally reduces stress and combats depression, while enhancing our sense of purpose. It can even lengthen our lifespan. (See “The Benefits of Generosity.”)

Resilience describes an ability to persevere when things become difficult. It involves meeting life’s challenges rather than shying away or feeling defeated. A resilient person recognizes their personal power, while living in and accepting reality as it is. A resilient person sees their potential to change their situation, to evolve, adapt and accomplish their goals.

This approach to life represents what my father Dr. Robert Firestone has identified as being in an adult mode, in contrast to maintaining a childish stance or adopting a parental/judgmental point of view. These characteristics are essential elements to being an emotionally healthy individual.

The idea that resilience is a primary key to well-being is backed by Dr. Salvatore Maddi’s 35 years of research into “hardiness,” a form of psychological resilience that predicts how well we will fare in our lives, relationships, personal goals and careers. Maddi’s famous 12-year longitudinal study of Bell Telephone employees concluded that “hardiness is the key to the resiliency for not only surviving, but also thriving, under stress. Hardiness enhances performance, leadership, conduct, stamina, mood and both physical and mental health.”

3. Attention.

As Davidson describes it, attention involves being present and putting our focus where we want it. This places us in a receptive rather than a reactive mode. Mindfulness can be extremely useful in this process, as it helps us to develop our ability to focus attention and cultivate a sense of presence. When we remain in the present moment, fully experiencing our lives, we are able to concentrate on what needs tending to and take the necessary steps to reaching our long-term goals. The many benefits of mindfulness meditation include reduced stress and exhaustion and increased psychological well-being, self-esteem, and quality of life.

4. Goodness.

According to Nicoll, we are all better off when we believe in the basic goodness of our fellow human beings and, for that matter, ourselves. If we all adopted this principle, we’d feel less aggression and experience less violence. Dr. Kristin Neff, who’s done extensive research on the benefits of self-compassion, lists “common humanity” as one of three key elements to self-compassion. “All humans suffer,” “The very definition of being ‘human’ means that one is mortal, vulnerable, and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience—something that we all go through rather than something that happens to ‘me’ alone.”

In his book, The Ethics of Interpersonal Relationships, Robert Firestone addresses the benefits of seeing our common humanity and outlines the dangers of focusing on our differences and needing to see “our group” as superior.

Adopting these 4 principles of well-being into our lives can help us to live a more harmonious and rewarding existence. However, there is a fifth element I would add that can enhance our ability to live a more generous, resilient, attentive, and good life:

5. Differentiation.

For each of us to tap into our inner strength and live in an “adult mode,” we must differentiate from negative past influences and programming that act as overlays on our behavior. We must identify and separate from unhealthy adaptations we’ve made in our past. These include destructive attitudes and unfavorable ways of seeing ourselves and our abilities as well as of viewing others and their shortcomings. This process of differentiation, developed by my father, involves four key steps. (See “Becoming Your Real Self.”) Put simply, they are:

  • 1. Separate from destructive attitudes that were directed toward us that we’ve internalized.

  • 2. Differentiate from negative traits of parents and other influential caretakers.

  • 3. Break free of old defenses that we built to cope with negative childhood events.

  • 4. Develop our own value system and approach to life.

The goal of differentiation is to uncover the real you. It is a process designed to help us reveal our true wants and desires and separate from the less favorable familial and societal pressures that have shaped our psychological defenses. It helps us shed unneeded armor, mechanisms, and patterns of behavior we’ve built up that now prevent us from achieving these essential tasks for psychological and physical well-being.

While the process of differentiation may sound like it’s all about you, in truth, this focus on yourself isn’t selfish. It benefits everyone, because in being happier, more fulfilled individuals, we have more value to those around us. Enhancing self-understanding and self-compassion extends our understanding and compassion for others. Feeling good about ourselves allows us to be good to the people in our lives.

Like, generosity, resilience, attention, and goodness, differentiation provides a powerful lamplight on the pathway to well-being. It is a means of finding meaning and a method of fulfilling our unique destiny.

None of these principles seem to offer an overnight, quick fix to the challenges we all inevitably face, but they do reveal a way of living that can enhance our overall quality of life.

7 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


new book banner.jpg
bottom of page